I woke up at 4am with a realization that it's been more than six months since that fateful event that changed my whole outlook on relationships. A myriad of things went through my mind. I started writing an email to her. I don't know why. But I needed to get some things off my chest.

I wanted to tell her how I feel after all this time.

I wanted to tell her what transpired in the last two conversations I had that ended the close to five-week emotional rollercoaster.

I wanted to tell her ...

... That the pain never went away.

... That I still cry myself to sleep.

... That I still can't bring down the walls I've built.

... That I'm too frightened to let him know me better.

... That I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

I wrote a lot of things in that rather long email. An email that ended up as a draft.

It's not going to change my situation after all.

Some time ago, I intentionally erased all the data from my PDA.  People have been asking me since then what was it that had happened early this year that still bothers me until now.

I can't really bring myself to talk about it.  Not with the Just Geeks League (JGL).  Not with my best friends.  Not even with my family.  Specially not with my BEST friend.  Everytime the memory of the event goes through my head, it still feels like someone has punched me in the chest.  It takes my breath away, literally.  Then I have to stop, steady myself, take deep breaths and try to get it out of my head so I can continue with what I was previously doing at that point in time.

The event affected me in a lot of ways.  I've become more obssessive-compulsive, more controlling of what I say or do.  The serious, rational, no nonsense side of me more often than not steps forward than my whimsical crazy self.

I find I'm now more uncomfortable in talking about my private thoughts with the one I used to divulge them to.  I still consider him to be my best friend.  I remember promising to him during that time:  I would be more open.  I would tell him everything.  No more secrets.  Except...

I did say I've become more OCD.  I don't want to step on eggshells around him anymore.  But I find myself becoming even more concerned that I might say something that would offend him.  So I guess I end up still not showing him the real me.  That's the problem really.  In order that he gets what he's wanted all this time, I have to make sure I don't impose my needs on him.  He wants to know what I need, but I can't tell him that because then I end up breaking my original promise of letting him do what he wants to do.  It's a complicated issue, I know.  There's a deeper reason for it.  But that would end up in talking about this year's early event --- which I just can't even bring myself to write about even in my dead-tree journal.

I guess the worst thing that has resulted from the event is that I'm afraid of falling in love now.  I don't want to end up flat on my face again.  This is where self-control rears it's ugly head.  Simply saying "I missed you" starts with some hesitation.  When being told that a certain action I do is well-liked, I simply end up ignoring I heard it.  I notice I become unnaturally uncomfortable with long hugs.  When my hand is held, I want to let go after a few seconds.  The little voice inside me says never to put my real feelings on the table as they are never worth it.  No longer could I give advice to my friends on relationships and love.  Not unless they're willing to listen to someone who now deals with the subject with cold clinical objectiveness.

As much as I want to, I can't because I have to.

Things turned awkward yesterday for personal reasons and I've been busy all day doing damage control. I still am picking up the pieces. Some of you will still see me online on Yahoo!Messenger. But I will have to apologize in advance as I won't be quite in the mood for chats at all.

So for the next couple of weeks, I will be disappearing from the limelight as I'm busy tearing down dilapidated walls and putting up stronger, thicker ones. (In my mind's eye, I'm putting extra attention to my firewall.) If you need to contact me for pending work stuff, feel free to send me text or email. For personal stuff, you'll have to wait until I'm ready to face the world again.

(also posted on http://thegeekettespeaketh.pinoyweb.net/?q=blog/1)

Ah, yes. The year of the Dog. According to a couple of friends of mine, this is supposed to be a year of great changes. For me, they say it will be mostly good, with the first wave happening in the next two months. Yes, I know it's supposed to be good. But for some weird reason, it also makes me jittery. They did say I was going to like it.

(The rest of this missive is continued on The Geekette Speaketh.)